A Movie Ramblings Guide: How To Survive A Horror Movie Emily Stockham October 6, 2016 Editor's Choice, Features, Halloween 1519 Here at Movie Ramblings we love horror. Anything that may be described as gory, deranged, paranormal or all of the above – yes please, sign us up. That said, we’re pretty fed up of the killer/monster/malevolent spirit getting an easy ride when it comes to reigning with terror because protagonists make the same foolish decisions, every damn time. With Halloween looming we thought a list of all the tips and tricks to help you survive a horror movie could be pretty handy. Let’s face it, if someone with a penchant for masks and chainsaws or a demonic spirit is hanging out in your home, they’re bound to show up on October 31st right? Follow these simple rules to ensure you survive until the very end… Never have sex Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but, coitus kills. Sex is just a distraction that makes you vulnerable in horror movie world. Keep your clothes on and your mind out of the gutter. Extra caution is advised for sex outside, sex in a tent, first time sex and sex whilst you’re supposed to be babysitting. Survivor bonus points for virgins who remain clothed at all times – yes, that includes no showering or skinny-dipping [two more lethal activities] – you’ll survive to the very end. Remember technology is friend and foe Nowadays, most people are permanently attached to their phone. Yet in horror films they almost always fail in some way. Make sure you have enough battery – maybe even invest in a portable charger and call the police or text a pal ASAP. My number one bug bear is your buddy who thankfully remembered the phone but forgot to put it on silent WITHOUT the vibrate alert. A familiar ringtone or vibrate against the wooden flooring is a sure fire way to scream, ‘hey killer, we’re hiding over here!’ Be stealth and call for help. However, sometimes our phone, record player, computer or any other piece of tech can be the source of terror. If you receive a call from an unknown number – do not pick up. Never accept emails or social media requests from strangers and if the TV or record player switch on autonomously – move out, now. Never say, “I’ll be right back” Utter these words and you definitely won’t be returning in a jiffy. Same goes for the person who volunteers to ‘check out that weird noise’. See also: person who always suggests that we should ‘split up’. Stick with the group if you wanna survive and stop trying to be the hero. Always make sure your car is in tip top condition If you’re able to escape that herd of zombies, remember that cars typically aren’t reliable in horror scenarios. Battery life always yields to the strange and inconvenient horror time continuum, a force that’s always sure to leave you stranded when you’re at the cusp of escape. Before leaving the driveway, make sure you bring an extra set of keys (the first are sure to be lost during the initial attack) and consider a pre-emptive visit to a mechanic…who is probably an axe murderer anyway. If you’re taking a road trip, please make sure you have adequate petrol too. Breaking down in the middle of nowhere or having to use a weird rickety roadside petrol station is not an option if you want to survive. Be sceptical of twins, children and the elderly Okay, it’s never nice to stereotype and here at Movie Ramblings we’ve got love for everyone. We would never encourage discrimination but, normal world rules do not apply in horror movies. Chances are one of these three will want to bludgeon your head in as they haunt your hallways and lust after your soul. Be a woman* *Preferably a virginal pretty but not too hot woman who is the source of the killer’s motive for his recent blood-soaked spree. If you’re a man, your chances for surviving a horror movie go significantly down. Your one hope is to be the guy that the lead survivor girl loves. Your chances of survival are still very, very slim. You are more likely to be the penultimate kill and final girl will watch you die a gruesome death and mourn you forevermore. Identify the girl most likely to survive, and woo her like your life depends on it. Because it does. But remember, whatever you do, make sure your wooing doesn’t break rule number one of this list. There is of course always an exception to the rule. If your horror scenario is of the paranormal variety then gender confined safety goes out of the window. Ghosts and demons love to possess the female protagonist but that doesn’t improve your odds for surviving as a man because she’s probably going to eat your soul anyways – sorry lads. And Finally… Go to the Winchester, have a pint and wait for this to all blow over.